Sometime around last Christmas, my 3 year old daughter asked me to make her some Dangerbread cookies. She's 3 - she says a lot of things that make me laugh hysterically, but this one was something more - it was almost a challenge. And a brilliant one at that. I spent 2 weeks playing with recipes that might define Dangerbread.....Curry cardamom sugar cookies, chocolate cayenne shortbread. In the end, all interesting ideas, but definitely an acquired taste. That's where it ended. Though it's not where the story begins.
I, like so many in these times, am unemployed. How that came to be....well, I'm sure we'll get there at some point, but it just is what it is. It's been 10 months now. The fabulous life of the poor and completely unknown suits me terribly. Not the unknown part so much - but I really suck at being poor. Despite numerous "opportunities" over the last 10 months and hopes of being part of something important - even revolutionary - nothing has taken shape. Except my ass in the form of this very chair in which I sit, and an even deeper longing for something meaningful.
Many friends, members of my family, and especially my ever-supportive and wonderful husband have attempted to assure me this is just how it goes. I'm still unconvinced. Of course there have been times in my life when I've wondered if what I was doing (professionally) was really worth the sacrifice of my freedom that it often was, but I never felt uncertain that I was capable of being the very best at it. And I was. Now here I am, rapidly approaching 40 and with more at stake than ever, and I'm certain of absolutely nothing.
I've spent a good amount of time over the last several months contemplating what I would do if there were no boundaries. If I could do anything in the world I wanted to do, what would that be? Along with that goes all the inevitable philosophical debates with myself about definitions of success and why all of this matters so much. Is poor really that bad? Is walking away from a fabulous career in entertainment advertising really such a loss? Isn't this time with my daughter more invaluable than the satisfaction I got from feeling like I was on top of my professional game? Although I know very well I am just one of tons of people asking themselves these very questions right now, I still feel like I'm the only lost former-breadwinner-turned-housewife in the world. And every tear has felt 100-percent justified. One can only be told "no" so many times before you begin to doubt yourself and your abilities.
My world of uncertainty needs a buffer, and something to do besides pacing the floor in anticipation of phone calls and emails (the ones NOT from bill collectors). My husband and I have a terrible propensity to leaving things unfinished. There are always so many great ideas, so many projects.....and so many things to distract from finishing them. Legitimate distractions - like work and a child and all of life's necessary tediousness. Through it all, there is one thing we cherish that has a beginning and an end.....dinner.
So.....I'm on a mission to define Dangerbread. I think it hides somewhere in the nebulous space between sweet and savory, but that's about as far as I suspect at this point. My journey should lead me through tons of research and experimentation - and in the most ideal of situations, it will find me mustering the courage to follow the dream straight into the kitchens of the Culinary Institute of America, the very place Brandon and I both dream of being - for him the culinary arts program, for me the pastry program (which is ironic, because in reality, I think of us as exactly the opposite - he's the sweet one and I'm the savory one). Wherever this mission leads me, it's a relatively simple and frivolous task on the surface. Even moreso, it's a knock-off of the Julie/Julia Project to some extent, but there's no shame in pursuing something simple, frivolous or has been thought of before in an effort to discover what it is I really want to do with my life. Right?
